make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
