he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
