he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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