Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
