I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
