Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
