I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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