do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
