I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
