Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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