Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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