listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
