Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
