The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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