Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
