4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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