I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
