so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You've changed since you got that strap on
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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