Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
