I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I will pee on everything he values.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
