Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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