Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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