Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
