the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
