FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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