it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
