I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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