Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
