Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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