i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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