Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
