i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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