Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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