I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
