If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
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Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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