She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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