If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
