This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, jail baloney is awful.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize