genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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