Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
