The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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