Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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