So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
