remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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