Please, let me fuck your mom
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
