I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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