after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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