i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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