I heard we made out
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
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I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
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"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Come on in and take your pants off
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