I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
