3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
