you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
