apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My vagina is very pro this idea
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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