3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You ruined the universe
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
