woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
