She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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