hotel room ftw
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
