Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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