I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
