um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
