Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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