yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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