I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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