Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend