if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.