I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
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His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
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That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you