I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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