"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!