You're my little dorito
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
