went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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