I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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