Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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