It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
